Dirty Jokes
Don't you just love a good dirty joke? I know I do. So I've put together some of my favorites for all my visitors to enjoy. Have you heard a good dirty joke lately? If you have I'd love to hear it. Simply email it to webmaster@auntiem.com and I'll post it on this page. I will even give you credit for the joke, listing your email and/or website address with it if you so desire.
Amish Country
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "my hands are freezing cold".
The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs, the body heat will warm them up".
So the daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter
was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold".
The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up".
Next day the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is freezing cold".
The daughter said, "Put it between my legs, it will warm up".
He did and his nose warmed up.
The next day the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and
he said,"My penis is frozen solid".
The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her
Mother and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
The slightly concerned Mother says, "Sure,why do you ask?"
The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!"
The Salesman
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department
store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get
anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked
the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you
when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5
o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?".
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales
a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small
fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I
sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked
him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he
would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department
and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he
said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him
to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold
all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons
for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go
fishing.'"
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Gone Camping
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they
were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You
know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split
up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike
south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our
experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes
south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked
into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate
lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and
dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers
were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was
your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad
tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied
to the tracks. I cut the ropes off and we had sex in every imaginable
way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I
came back to camp."
"Wow," the first guy says, "did you get a blow job?"
"No," says the second friend. "I couldn't find her head."
A Heavenly Bath
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister
Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way
the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also
instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do
whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday
night bath had done. Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. I've
been saved."
Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and
while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he
said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
Did he now," said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, And
Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of
Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and
eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my
lock." Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly. At first it
hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often
painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with
ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. He told me it was Gabriel's
Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
The Bimbo
Coming back from the ladies' room, the bimbo stormed up to her boyfriend
at the bar. "That man by the pool table just insulted me !" she fumed.
"He told me he wanted to tear my shirt off and suck my tits."
"Yeah ?" her boyfriend jumped from his stool.
"Then he said he was going to rip off my skirt and kiss my pussy !"
"I'm gonna kick his ass !" Her boyfriend pulled his jacket off.
"You better !" the girlfriend egged him on. "Because then he said
he was going to turn me on my head, fill my cunt with whiskey and drink
it all down!"
Her boyfriend sheepishly took his jacket back and resumed sitting on
the bar stool.
"What's wrong ?" his girlfriend whined.
"I'm not gonna mess with any guy who can drink that much whiskey."
Penis Envy
An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old
girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he
can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says "See this
football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a
football!"
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother "I want a
football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets
her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides
up on his bike. She holds up the football "Nah Na Nah Nah". The little
boy angryly points to his bike and says "Oh yeah, well this is a boys
bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!" She runs in to
mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike. The little
boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most
private of parts says "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you
one!!!".
The next day he walks by and asks her "Well, I guess I
showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts
and proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I
can have as many of THOSE as I want!
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Heart Attack
Coming home early from work one afternoon, a man found his wife naked in
bed, breathing heavily and visibly distressed.
"Linda, what's the matter ?" he asked.
"I'm not sure, but I think I'm having a heart attack."
The man rushed downstairs to the phone and was dialing a doctor when
his son hurried in crying. "Daddy, there's a naked man in the front
closet !"
So the husband went and opened the closet door and found his best
friend inside. "Come on, Frank," he said. "My wife's upstairs having a
heart attack, and you're sneaking around scaring the kids."
Bear Hunting
This guy goes to his local gun shop and buys the latest bear hunting
equipment. Off he trots to the forest looking for his first of many
kills.
He happens upon a clearing in the forest where this big brown bear is
sleeping soundly. The old man creeps up to the sleeping bear and pumps
his 12 gauge shot gun at the bears head. After the dust clears the bear
has vanished! The old man feels a tap on his shoulder and looks back to
see the giant bear standing behind him. A little ticked off, the bear
asks "Um, Hunting are we?". The old man nods his head in total suprise
at the talking bear. The bear says " I can tear you apart, or you can
bend over a let me bugger you up the arse. Your choice!" The man ponders
for a moment, but reasons that nobody is going to find out anyway, so he
takes the latter option. Two days later he wakes up very sore indeed,
flees back to gun shop for some heavier artillary, runs back to the
forest bent on revenge, and comes across the same bear sleeping in the
same clearing. Shouldering his RPG, he launches a round of HE at the
snoring bear and when the dust settles the bear is missing! Again there
comes tap on the sholder and the question "Er, hunting again are we?"
Once again the man is buggered by the talking bear. This time he runs to
gun shop (as best he can), buys out the store plus the local black
market arms dealer, races back to the clearing, and lets loose on the
sleeping bear with everything he brought. A long moment later, after
all the smoke and dust has cleared, the bear is nowhere to be seen. Once
again the poor old man feels a tap on his shoulder. The bear, with a
little grin on his cheek, says "You're not really here for the hunting,
are you?"
Dentist Appointment
One night, as a couple retire to bed, the husband turns to his wife and
begins caressing her. "I'm sorry darling," says the wife, "I've got an
appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, feeling rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and tries his luck again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "You don't have a dentist's
appointment tomorrow too, do you ?"
Love Letters
To My Dear Wife,
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't succeed often.
1. The sheets are clean. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .54 times
2. It is too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 times
3. Too tired from shopping all day . . . . . . . . . .49 times
4. It is too early . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .20 times
5. It is too hot . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .15 times
6. Pretending to be asleep . . . . . . . . . . . . . .15 times
7. The neighbors will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 times
8. Headache. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22 itmes
9. Sunburn . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 times
10. Your Mother will hear us . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 times
11. Not in the mood . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .43 times
12. You will wake the baby . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 times
13. Watching the late show . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6 times
14. New Hairdo . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 times
15. Too sore . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 times
16. Wrong time of month . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
17. Have to get up early . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .19 times
Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because
2 times you just laid there, 4 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling,
3 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 2 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
To My Dear Husband,
I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the real
reasons you did not get it more often than you did.
1. Came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat. . . . . .15 times
2. Did not come home at all . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
3. Did not come . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 times
4. Came too soon. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .33 times
5. Went soft before you got it in . . . . . . . . . . .33 times
6. Toes cramped . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 times
7. Working too late . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .38 times
8. Have to get up early to play golf. . . . . . . . . .29 times
9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls. . . 2 times
10. Caught Herman in your zipper . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 times
11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running . . . . . . 3 times
12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee . . . . . . . . . . 3 times
13. You had a splinter in your finger. . . . . . . . . . 2 times
14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book . . . .16 times
15. Watching football on TV. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .98 times
16. Hemorrhoids flared up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 times
Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because
you were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the
ceiling. What I said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling. The time
you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe!!
A Few One Liners
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 pounds.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the
dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same but you
get the remote.
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Blind date
A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make
love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more
and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a
minute I have to relive myself." While out of the car he notices a guy a
half block away changing a flat. He asks the guy "Look, I've got this
gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still
wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me." The guy
does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the
window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What're you doing in
there?"
The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."
The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"
The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife
until you shined the light on her."
That's Not Fair
A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He
watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to
himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"
Why Mommy?
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest
daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One
night, they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The
daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the
mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's
room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do
that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.